I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
