are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
She's not a foreskin expert like you
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
