I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
And then he peed in my hair
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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