so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
