Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Randomize
