TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
