my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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