I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
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