you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Randomize
