I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
