Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
