So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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