You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
