Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
