I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Randomize
