can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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