where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Randomize
