My underwear smells like fireworks.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
