I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
