My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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