pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
