my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
