I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
You may now shotgun with the bride
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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