I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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