Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
