I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
thus making me awesome and them whores
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I believe in your delicious
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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