If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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