I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
