Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
