ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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