we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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