Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
