Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
