i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
