I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
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