He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
