OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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