I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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