I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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