My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
