ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
