I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Randomize
