I'm jealous of your bromance
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
