Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
