Can i not drive my cunt home
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Randomize
