The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
