I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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