too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
