Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
