I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
