I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
