Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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